The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society - Fighting Blood Cancers
8 Replies Latest reply: Apr 24, 2011 1:14 PM by lenielynn RSS

When do believe it is real?

anne Registered Users
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My strong healthy husband passed away 2 months ago, was never sick a day that I ever knew of until June 09 when dx with ALL.  I still can not believe this is real, it's like a bad dream that  I will wake up from, I just can't believe this is true, not that I think he will walk back in the house, it is just not real, almost like an out of body experience or something strange, am I losing my mind??  He was the happiest, strongest, smartest person I knew that truely loved life and was so good to everyeone, he was my whole life, my rock and hero and fought till the last breath to live and his death was so horrific, he couldn't even get hospice at the hospital as said our insurance would only allow at home, I have found that was not true, all they needed was a waiver, everything that could go wrong went wrong, Nicole, my husbands condition sounds so much like your mothers, our daughter would probably be about your age,  she is 33 and suffering so bad also, she has seen grief counselors that have helped her some, he also believed he could beat this till his last breath also . Anne

  • Re: When do believe it is real?
    daisydoodle Registered Users
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    i had to reply to you anne as my heart goes out to you me and my family are going through the same as you now its been 8 weeks since my dad passed away and i really cant believe it none of us can

    my dad was 59 and im 34 he was supposed to be hear for a lot longer and we all miss him so much we only knew of his leukemia for 4 days so it was a big shock

    i dont have any words of wisdom for you just my heart felt sympathy to yourself and family

    love to you all

    sharon

  • Re: When do believe it is real?
    elopata Registered Users
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    Anne, Speaking for myself, whose 19 year old only son died of leukemia 1 1/2 years ago, I can only say that I sitll do not believe his passing has really happened. I think I will always feel like behind some door, on some street, some where my son will appear.

    Losses such as these change everything and getting better is not really a realistic goal.

    I have never done any discussion boards before but found myself at a dead end in terms of neutral avenues for discussion. Tried a support group but not my thing.

    If there are any other fathers of sons who have passed on due to leukemia I think I would like to hear from you.

    Good luck Anne. I wish I had better advice.

  • Re: When do believe it is real?
    lauradlc Registered Users
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    Anne:  My father passed away from AML two weeks ago - just 69 days after his diagnosis.  He too was never sick a day in his life so we were all shocked by his diagnosis and by how much he deteriorated and how fast.  I truly believed he would beat it and kept telling him it's only temporary - we'll get through this.  Like you, I keep expecting him to answer the phone when I call, to see him on the couch watching tv, etc.  I can still hear his voice calling me "baby".  I love him very much and miss him terribly.

     

    Laura

  • Re: When do believe it is real?
    jeffsgirl Registered Users
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    Out of body experience is a good way to describe it. I feel lost and like this is a really bad dream that I will wake up from any minute. I never understood why people visit graves so much.  Now I do. I know my husband is in heaven now, but I find myself going to his grave so often and just sitting there talking to him and sobbing.  I also find myself falling apart over the strangest things. I can tell people about the last two horrific weeks of his life and not cry, but then I fall apart over something that makes me think of him.  Last year on the 4th of July, he was in the hospital for chemo. It was one of his off chemo days, so they unhooked his ivs so I could wheel him to the top of the parking deck to watch the nearby fireworks. There were a lot of people who had actually just come to the parking deck for the great view. We decided then that it would be an annual tradition to go there every year on the 4th to watch fireworks.  It had completely slipped my mind until I was sitting here Sunday night and the neighbors starting shooting off fireworks. I just lost it!  I hate leukemia! I also am very angry with Drs and hospitals that don't do their jobs properly. My husband was leukemia free and his bone marrow transplant was successful.  He died from septic shock because the Drs didn't realize he had an infection.  I had to literally scream to get him to ICU. When we finally got him there, I was told he was septic. He was immediately placed on life support and we were told that he was the sickest patient in ICU (at a large prominent hospital). They started mega doses of antibiotics, but the infection was so bad that he died the next day (on life support).  Keep in mind I had to yell and scream to get him sent to ICU!!  I am dealing with an absolutely broken heart and anger over the fact that he would be here today if they'd listened to me days earlier.  I don't know how to go forward.  I try to put on a happy face for everyone, then am awake most of the night crying and thinking about him.  I miss him so much!

    • Re: When do believe it is real?
      lauradlc Registered Users
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      Today is a very sad day - it's the one month anniversary of Dad's passing away.  I don't cry often anymore, but I agree that it hits me at crazy times.  I cried three times just this weekend.  First was my birthday when I was opening gifts.  The card from my Mom was signed "Love, Mom" and it immediately hit me that it no longer said "and Dad".  Then I broke down at a 4th of July parade because I started thinking that last year on the 4th we were all together at the beach, sitting by the lighthouse watching fireworks.  Then I cried again at a silly kid's movie - at the end of the movie the little girl's father came back after having been gone months looking for work.  She was so happy and cried and ran into his arms.  All I could think was that I wish my Dad could come walking through the door too.

       

      Laura

    • Re: When do believe it is real?
      elopata Registered Users
      Currently Being Moderated

      When I am in my darkest moments I recall that being angry or upset day

      in and day out is not what my son would want. I try to honor his legacy

      by trying to make the world a better place...as he did. He would

      disapprove if I  become what we call, " a professional mourner".

      As for real- it will never be real- I will always believe that someday

      I will hear his voice and see him walk through our front door and sit

      down to dinner as if nothing had happened. That is love.

      ed

       

      Quoting jeffsgirl <communityreply@lls.org>:

      elopata,

      >

      A new message was posted in the thread "When do believe it is real?":

      >

      http://community.lls.org/message/61650#61650

      >

      Author  : jeffsgirl

      Profile : http://community.lls.org/people/jeffsgirl

      >

      Message:

       

  • Re: When do believe it is real?
    Stars Registered Users
    Currently Being Moderated

    I'm so sorry, Anne. It feels so strange to be back here but I was drawn back today. When my dad was diagnosed with AML in Dec 06, this site was invaluable to me. Throughout all his chemo and his transplant, the people here gave me so much support. I didn't even think about coming back when he died last December but here I am, reading all of your stories and for the first time in nearly 7 months, I'm around people who've gone through the same things I have and there's a little comfort in that. I hate leukemia too. My family hates it. I don't even know what he died of! He just got so weak. He went through so much and his body just wasn't strong enough. He did die cancer free though, so part of me feels proud he beat that battle. He was so weak and the doctors just couldn't do anything anymore. His heart stopped beating one Sunday morning. I live in the UK and he was in the States so I wasn't there. But my mom and brother were holding his hands. They said it was natural and beautiful when he passed. But it's just so sad. I still can't believe. I'm always telling my husband that I just don't believe it. How can someone so huge in my life go, just like that? When does it sink in? I could write a novel here but I'll sign off now. I'm so sorry for all of your losses. I hope you find little things to give you comfort. Thinking of you all.



    • Re: When do believe it is real?
      lenielynn Registered Users
      Currently Being Moderated

      Stars, I so get this statement:  "But it's just so sad. I still can't believe. I'm always telling my husband that I just don't believe it. How can someone so huge in my life go, just like that? When does it sink in?" That's how my mom says it, "When daddy went away..."  Dad never went away before, he was always there, a rock, solid and strong.  How can he just go away?  It is so weird... 

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