I too lost my husband (who was 55 )this week to complications from his double cord transplant for Chronic Myelomonocytic Leukemia. He sailed through chemo and we were ready for him to get through this and we could get back to our lives. Everything went wrong, fungal pneumonia, then 3 blood infections, then liver failure, kidney failure and finally a heart attack. How he was still breathing no one knew. We had to ask the doctors to change to palliative care, very dificult. I am only a couple of days into this and I hope when I get back to Florida (we came to Seattle) I will not fall apart. We have children also, a Brady Bunch of sorts. It will hit them all differently.

Thankfully, I read a book a few years ago by Sylvia Brown called "Life on the Other Side". It is basically about heaven, and how when we come to earth we pick others that we know to be our friends, partners, children, friends etc. We also pick out what lessons we need to learn including suffering. I am so thankful to God that he led me to this book. It has helped me understand many things that made no sense otherwise. I hope you find this book and read it.

God bless you and your kids. I hope we all get through this with our beautiful memories.

1 Corinthians 13:13
there are three things
that last forever: faith, hope, and love;
but the greatest of them all is love.

Nicole I am so sorry for your loss. I have read your posts and was touched

by your deep devotion to you mother.

I hope that we all heal, and as the days pass we find comfort in the love

offered by our friends and family. No one can give us what we really need,

but we need to allow them to come in and be a part of this grieving process.

We need to accept some help from them. You know what I mean. I am tempted to

close up, but I know he would not want that.

Love and prayers to you both. Now the prayers are for us. We have to accept

them with the love they are offered with.

Prayers for Sacgal

Prayers for Nicole

Rose

On Thu, Oct 1, 2009 at 7:40 PM, Prayers for my Mom, by Nicole <

Please use the school counselors to provide services to your children. They

are not only educated in this field, but can also take a little off you.

Hospice also provides grief counseling for them and you. You can't be

everything to everyone right now. We have to heal. By the time our kids

figure out what we are going through, it will be years from now.

When I get back to Florida and people ask me what they can do I'm going to

say "can you take my kids somewhere please?" My only ones still at home are

14 year-old twin girls. It hasn't hit them yet and they are a bit

insensitive to me. It's a very selfish age.

I have been wearing his sweaters and it makes me feel better. If someone

doesn't like it I could not care less. I have 2 stepsons and I am already

sensing problems. When we came to Seattle we put everything in storage. They

are older and on their own. They want to be there for the unpacking of my

home. I flatly said no. I am doing it on my own in my own time. That's our

life in there.

Please let someone help you by taking the kids now and then. You have some

reading to do.

Rose, I've been thinking of you for weeks, and had a gut feeling your husband had passed. I'm sorry for your loss. You did all you could.

Stay strong and accept no bullying from adult step-kids. They are sad, but you didn't give their dad cmml.Your writing has been helpful, very real and brave.

Since we know how little information there is to be had about cmml, think about writing this out.

I'm still not sure I am brave enough to go to Seattle. My family doc says it has been the cutting edge on hematology for 30 years. I know it doesn't make you feel any better. Many good thoughts sent your way.

Mary Carol

Mar Mar,

Im so sorry for the loss of your husband!   As for getting better, that is what every one says.  I lost my mom on Sept 18 and I must say that I am breathing bettter however, the pain and missing her will always be there I feel.  I realize it's different for you because he was your husband.  Yesterday I was in a funk and could cry at the drop of a hat, I know it was just because I so longed to hear my moms voice.  Thinking of you, nicole

Rose,

You wrote, "

Please use the school counselors to provide services to your children. They

are not only educated in this field, but can also take a little off you.

Hospice also provides grief counseling for them and you. You can't be

everything to everyone right now. We have to heal. By the time our kids

figure out what we are going through, it will be years from now."

That is great!  Ironically I am a school counselor.  I missed the first 2 months of work to be with my mom in ICU.  When I returned to work the kids who had lost someone began popping out of the wood work:)  I know they knew of my situation and Im sure they feel in a sense that I can better understand.  It has been really hard though, because I must set aside my own loss and be there for them.  The good thing at times though is that I can share briefly about my mother when the time is right and it helps the student feel that they are not alone.  Since going back to work I have had one student who breaks my heart, because she lost a loved one due to a drunk driver hitting them.

hugs, nicole