From Honeymoon in Hospital to...and ALL OF THE ABOVE...Firstly I want to thank the replies and messages sent to me from the past couple posts. I read the caregiver lounge as often as possible and I know from the posts how sweet, caring and awesome all of you are. I am horrible at replying back I am an impatient one and still trying to even get back to all my family's correspondence is a full time job in itself. So forgive me for not replying and thank you for allowing me to post periodically and be a half a*$.
Hubby is home..I can definitely relate to frantically cleaning, but luckily the parents-in-laws helped by having the merry maids come when he was first discharged. I will be spending this weekend cleaning and overwhelmed but an exhausted body is a less stressed mind at least for me.
I made the snail pace transition to work this week. I am numb and emotionally in very unclear and murky waters. I work for a large medical center surrounded by nurses, mds, social workers, and supportive staff. Except we all deal with a different specialty and these are murky waters to them as well. There are two other previous "caregivers" in the midst of my coworkers. Their husbands however had different cancers with different outcomes not to mention....well lets just say... there is a generational gap between me and them! Sorry I'm sure I am offending someone... cancer is horrible and does not discriminate by age. However my point is that I feel very alone, and especially hubby who just turned 28. You should have seen his poor face in the "chemo class" everyone is supposed to attend before outpatient consolidation. (Everyone was at least 25 to 30 years older then us.)
All in all consolidation is scheduled to start on my birthday next week. (Happy Birthday To Me) He will have two forms; an oral and a continuous intravenous pump. To which I am to learn how to take him off...YIKES! The problem is with both is that side effects are more apparent and happen based on the length the chemo is administered, versus the strength.
Understanding this, Poor mama- in-law got wind of this information, and had hoped hubby could bank some sperm as a last ditch effort before consolidation...It was attempted, but they quickly got back to us after the analysis... nothing was vital enough for cryofreezing...Induction was rough on that particular system...We both had a low moment yesterday after the news. Then I attempted to go back to work today...Probably a bad idea because I had two crying moments in the bathroom. Not because I'm grieving for babies, motherhood, etc. but grieving for how quickly choices were taken away and life "plans" change so dramatically. Full realization that you have no control and no plan is hard to swallow sometimes.
I know there are miracle babies and stories, the clinic has been sure to tell us them. (Also look at Lance Armstrong now! His "guys" relearned to swim) However, its a reality and we are allowed to have our low moments and we're moving on. Having my husband healthy and leukemia free is so much more important.
One minute life is normal then Wham!
I go back to work Monday...I'm sure I will go through the motions. I've got a new boss whos job I did 20 years ago and reached several levels beyond. He is clueless and could care less. I'd love to answer his question..."Hows your wife doing" with...Well her head spontaneously erupted in flames yesterday.
I think his response would be..O thats good to hear. Now lets take a look at...
Whether they are kids, 28, 47 like my lovely bride or 60+ this disease is so needy requiring a lot of time , attention and focus.
We can doi it and so can they!
I'm glad to see you checked back in. I'm also glad to hear your hubby is home. Now you're trying to work - that must be so hard, with things still no where near normal on the home front. Other folks just don't get the enormity of what you and your hubby are dealing with, and I suspect that's going to be abundantly clear at work. Just do your best, and try to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
The sperm collection - it crazy how many nasty ways this disease finds to take the wind out of our sails, eh? It is truly a head trip and a half. For now, just keep focused on getting him through treatment and doing what needs to be done. I'm sorry you've had this hurt added to all the others.
You will get in a routine with the IV pump and all the other stuff he needs help with. I found it helpful to come up with a list of things others could help with - other folks often want to help, but are unsure of what is needed. I found it worked better to say, "could you help me find someone to mow the lawn", or "could you drive me to my appointment on such-and-such a date?" or "could you do some vacuuming for me?" - you get the idea. The point is to take some of the load off of you, because it sounds like you're stretched to the limit, and we need you to be in good shape so you can be there when he needs you.
I hope he does well with the consolidation treatment (happy birthday) and beyond.