Leslie,

We really do have alot of similarities in our lives.  I only have the one daughter who luckily got to spend almost 12 years with her Granddad doting on her before he passed.  He called her his "Golden Child."  My parents have 4 grandkids and she was the second one.  My daughter just admitted to me the other day the relief she also felt when I told her he had passed on.  She said it was tearing her apart watching him go and he had told me he so didn't want her to see him at the end, so we did shelter her from the last few days.  He was asleep most of the time at the end anyways. 

I had days of pulling away too because I just couldn't handle the reality slapping me in the face everytime I walked in their door or even as I drove towards their house it seemed like I could feel the darkness and sadness encroaching on me.  It was a struggle just getting out of the car sometimes.  I can still feel that.  Uggghh.  Like you said, I had never experienced death in those terms before and it was insane.  So, again, I can totally relate to you.  Luckily, my Mom has been pretty amazing and we've gotten closer.  She has leaned on me alot.  One thing that really brought us closer was on the anniversary of my Dad's death and I mean almost to the day, my mom had a health crisis of her own and I was there to rush her to the hospital.  She was vomiting blood and was in denial telling me it was tomato soup.  Ummm, I don't think so!  I mean how surreal was it for me that I was walking/supporting my mother down the hall for her to go pack her bag for the hospital when I was supporting my Dad a year to the day before that just walking him to his bed.  I was freaking out inside.  Luckily, it was two ulcers in her stomach that they easily cauterized, but they told her she could have died. She was internalizing alot of stuff.  So thanks for giving that blood you donated, because my Mom needed two pints, not to mention all the blood my Dad was given.  Wow, what a wake up call life has been lately. 

I think you and your mother will be on a rollercoaster for awhile to come...so many emotions and a whole new way of life to get used to, not to mention the holidays coming up.  Giving you hugs because so many of us can relate to what you're going through.  It sucks, I know.  Hang in there...I'm here for ya.

Lesley

I was seven when my Gramps died.  I knew he was sick and a little of what it was.  I spent his last afternoon with him and he was kind of swimming in dementia.  I handled it okay.  Didn't really have any questions.  I was kind of in awe of the whole thing.

Now of course I know that, in kid years, there's a world of difference between five and seven.  But it could be that your son's just absorbing things and the questions will come when they're fully formed.  Or, maybe, he's already aware of more than you think he is.

I don't know.  For some reason your post brought back a flood of memories.  I don't even know what to make of them.

Blessings

Hi Leslie

I am sorry about your dad.  My dad is my best friend so I can only imagine how you feel, especially at this time of year.  I also understand your battle with Leukemia.  I replied to one of your other posts just a few minutes ago.  My fiance was diagnosed with AML on 10/31 and passed away 4 days later.  My world has been devastated ever since.  I don't really know what to do and how to move on but the only thing I can figure out to do is to honor him and try to help others who might be in the same position.  I have started to get involved with LLS in my area, Make A Wish for sick children and donating blood.  I am also asking all my friends who knew him and anyone who cares about me to do the same.  He needed so much blood so fast and if it had not been available I don't know what would have happened. I don't know if this will help at all but know that anything you do to offer help and volunteer on any level makes a HUGE difference.  I was thankful for each transfusion that he received and knew that as soon as he was well enough for me to leave the room long enough to donate I would do the same for someone else.  We were not that lucky.  He was not able to get into remission so now I must do it in his memory and know he would proud that we are helping someone else.  I know that he is with me all day, everyday......that is why I say we.