Dear Jane:

My Mother had AML - Subtype M5 - diagnosed February 17, 2005 - passed away December  21, 2006 at 11:43 P.M. in remission.....  She had to have back to back induction therapy which caused her to have Kidney Failure.  She became Hemodialysis dependant but against all odds she went into remission and lived a great deal in between.  Tex is well aware of her struggles and victories......  She had a liver transplant in 1999 due to NASH (Non alcholic cyrosis of the Liver).  The doctors gave her zero percent chance of survival as they did not think the transplanted liver could handle all the Chemotherapy.  But through the Grace of God she did.....  Only to get an infection from the Catheter due to diaysis which they forgot to change.  We were so concentrated on the Leukemia that we never thought of reminding them.....  So she passed away from Septic Shock.....  It seems like yesterday......  Sometimes it is much to painful to return to these boards as I see so many people struggling......  So much pain....  At a time when my world at ended and I knew so little about the disease this was a place that was comforting in many ways.....  It still is as I remember back.....  Just the pain so many people are facing is overwhelming.....  What to say when a loved one is ill.....  My words do not come easy as I do not want anyone to feel my pain......  But I do come back here to read the posts........  So in a nutshell that is my story...........  But I do miss everyone here and pray for everyone....

Love,

Pat

Dear Nicole:

I am so very sorry for your loss.....  I agree with you that it is not the same.....  I tried to find many ways of dealing with this.....  I even went to Pyschic who is able to speak with people who have passed on.....  Some people will believe this, others won't......  I did find some comfort there as I really believe she came into contact with her.  She told me things that no one had a way of knowing.....  She as well told me that even though she has passed on she is still with me.  She told me that she would come back to me and show her presence in the form of a Blue Jay.....  Well the funny thing is, about a month later a Blue Jay appeared sitting on a Tree right in front of my window.....  I am from Montreal, Quebec, Canada and there are never ever any Blue Jays here......  So I started screaming saying look there's my Mother.....  My husband made a bad joke.....  He said Wow, she lost a lot of weight.....  Who know's Nicole......  The only thing I know is whenever I am really down or sometimes have a feeling of total sadness come over me, this Blue Jay appears......  and it makes me smile.....  I am not crazy, I guess we all look for ways to comfort our sorrows, be it true or not.....  I am normally a very encouraging person, but I am not certain we ever really feel better.....  There is always this empty feeling......  When something good happens, my first instinct is I wish my Mother was here, she would be so proud of me.....  When something bad happens, I wish my Mother was here for her kind words of encouragement.  With that said though I think we learn to cope over time and live with her Memories......  Sometimes though Memories are just not good enough.........  But you do learn to cope.....  Life goes on, daily routines gets you through it and the Faith in God that she is now enjoying some peace which she probably did not have here after so much pain and struggling......  I keep saying to myself she is having a Pasta party upstairs.....  At least she does not have to live with pain anymore......  I was never able to undo her room though.......  Her clothes, her drawers, her wheelchair stayed intact as if she was just on Vacation......  even God had a funny way of dealing with that.....  My parents lived in the same Condo for 21 years.....  On February 11, 2009 my father had a fire in his Condo which was due to an Electrical Outlet, but nothing was plugged, even the Fire Department had a hard time to finding the cause to the fire.....  Total loss.....  There has never been a fire in that building......  But I did manage to recuperate her Furniture and Clothes.....  Had to have them Dry Cleaned.....  All of them......  My mother was admitted to Hospital February 16, 2005, Chemotherapy started February 19, 2005.....  Maybe it was her way of saying, Get on with things.....  I don't know........  But all I know is we do learn to cope.....  My mother was a fighter and a giver.......  Her spirit stays with us all the time.......  I really pray for your healing and know that things will pass with time......  My prayers and thoughts are with you and everyone here......

Love,

Pat