My last post, I said if the cancer doesnt kill him I might.  Now my guilt is unreal.  He said he was sick.  the blood work was perfect he is still in remission and still fighting graft vs host.  I was so fed up that I told his UF Shands BMT doc that he needed to find the problem and fix it and stop telling him he had to go to work or get out of bed he just got more and more depressed.  So the doc scratched his head they did every test they drained the fluid from around his lungs again then checked for pulmonary embolism. that was thursday 2 weeks ago. Doc said it was a mystery to him but didnt mention sending him back to work just that he wanted to try and use lasix in much larger doses to remove his balloon appearance.and that he needed to be admitted the following monday for full cardiology workup and full pulmonary workup.  and that we should do that in our town vs doing it in gainesville because if he needed one of those docs on a perm basis he would need one close to home.

Well we didnt make it to Monday I had him admitted the very next day with a fever of 103 everyone scratching their heads doing every test under the sun.  He got put on heavy doses of antibiotics of course -which is freaking him out cause that can cause him to lose his graft.  They ran every cardiology test, every pulmonary test flu tests everything - still nothing but he couldnt breath they had him on heavy oxygen.  By friday it was much worse they were able to diagnose him with double pnemonia two different kinds at that and he went thru the fluid around the rt and left lung they they removed so much fluid from him it was unreal.  It was alll tested and nothing.  still his fever spiked again and he barely spoke to me about 4 am on Tuesday he said "Cassie come hit my back I cant breath" I looked at him and he was blue... I screamed for the nurse before I could get out of the way - they had called in the rapid response team. we were surrounded by white coats everyone doing everything to keep him alive, he had gone into pulmonary arrest.  They immediatly moved him to ICU.  removed his nose canula and put him on a mask.  They were going to transfer him back to uf shands because they are the best.  but when his oncologist here called him, he understood why we were losing our confidence in him.  Our oncologist here vowed that this hospital and his team of specialist would find out what was wrong with him and would not send him back to gainesville unless all else failed.  Then on wednesday the strangest but best news came - someone in the lab thought that he really is only 19 months old since his BMT and even though he is 36 he still needs to have all his baby shots again.  He performed some infectious disease tests on him and unbelievable, He has RSV a baby virus that can be very serious in infants and small children.  and well that is his body right now.  Besides the regular breathng treatments they were doing they went to this heavy duty green machine with medication that makes the lungs expand.  It is painful but appears to be working.  I nearly lost him twice due to a baby virus. Adults dont usually get it, but guess what I was exposed and so was his dad and we both now have bronchitis, colds, sinus infections, and have developed asthma from this RSV thing.  So now I cant even go and see him.  In fear that I could give him more than what he has.  I nearly lost him twice this past two weeks so he can be mad all he wants Im not going in there.  Im scared for him.  Monday yesterday, we found out that the treatments appear to be working, his heart tests are good, he has a young healthy active heart even with having heart surgery as a child.  But he has many signs of CHF congestive heart failure.  But right now we are working on the pulmonary side.  He is seeing an infectious disease doc who is great.  Today tuesday they moved him off of the mask turned down the oxygen a notch and put him back on the canula.  Without the oxygen he is at 86 with it they can only get him to 92. He has a long way to go to recondition his lungs heart and muscles.

Good news again, they wont talk about sending him home but they called tonight and moved him out of ICU he is now in stable condition.  I hope he can come home by the weekend but if so they have promised physical thearpy and ocupational thearpy and everything to recondition him.  The walls are closing in on him and he is getting moody and mean but guess what with everything he was going through he didnt get his fentynal patch so he is off of it and went through the withdrawals in the hospital.  He is however popping his own pain meds in the hospital along with what they are giving him.  He just wants to sleep thru it as he is in a pitty funk and has every right after the last 2 weeks.

so now you can see why after my last venting session I feel like a cad.  oh and you can only imagine how my job is reacting -  I realized I didnt care.  I will sell my home, go on food stamps and live in my car I will not put my 20 year career over him.they are having to deal with it thanks to good ol fmla.  I have no pride I will live off other people if I have to but I will be by his side even though right now Im the bad guy and he hates me being home and him being there.  He is the jealous parinoid type even though I never left his room for 7 days.  Logically, I have to keep my job, it pays for his insurance and our roof and tummys to be fed.  Oh we do have to get air sanitizers for our home now even though we have zero carpet.  apparently the dogs may be causing harm, but he would never give them up.  Im going to at least try to convince him to move our pits kennel out of our room.  she sleeps there but he loves her so much I bought her for him when he was out of remission for the 2nd time and I used to sneak her into his hospital in a duffel bag to see him.  Man she lit up his face - so last chance for the dogs is to get the air sanitizers one for our room and one for the front of the house I guess.  Sorry I have rambled, I just felt stupid and the rx the docs have me on is not letting me sleep.   To all of you wonderful people who let me know im not alone.  thank you and God bless and keep you and yours.

PS... if they do a flu test on your loved one who is amune supressed, insist they do an RSV screening it is very real and deadly for them.