Othniel, Please do share if you get to it!

Thanks Mamawarrior!  You are right one day I feel great and the next is horrible!  I think I had my first panic attack yesterday.   My coworkers asked me to go get subway for lunch.  As usual my routine on my lunch break was to call and check in on mom.. As I was driving I was thinking of this on a hot and sunny day, and in a matter of minutes I began shaking and feeling like I was going to throw up!  I must have shook for atleast 20 min.  I have never felt that way before, and it was very strange.. I called my coworker and she talked with me til I was able to calm down.  I even tried saying the serenity prayer but it didn't work.  Tonight I was just outside looking at the stars and asking mom where she was, which direction.. show me a sign please!  I miss her so much it is unbearable sometimes.  I am so amazed that I have taught about grieving and loss, but now I know how it feels! 

Hope you are doing well too! hugs, nicole

Hi Everyone!!  It is so strange.. I came here days ago reading your post and it is just so unlike me not to respond... it's just hard as you all know, but had a better week.

I of course miss mom like HELL each day!!  I think of her and am trying to focus on the good days, the good times, and when she looked like Her!  It is so hard picturing her face those last days last month.  I hate it, and it is like a nightmare.  Me in that room with her, whispering my last words I thought each day, and saying all those sweet words in her ear.  I see her looking at me, turning her head, with each movement we had more hope.  Her eyes glistened as she saw us.. she saw us, Oh the days we had to fight that she had saw us!  My I just can't believe she is gone, here but gone.  I never have shared this with anyone so I will now!  The day mom died at 5:30 when we ran to her room, we just stared at her for an hour.  I kept waiting for her to move, Open her eyes and say Hello Im still here, because she was always here and still fighting.  She never gave up, and I know with her last heart beat, she was still fighting.  As we waited for hours, actually we were with her for 4 hours before they came to get her, my sister and I touched her skin, held her hand, we cried our tears over her, and even practically laid on her!  I wasn't scared, and I was not fearful of her being gone, but I found so much comfort being with her those hours.  We took our last picture with sweet mama that night!  I am forever grateful for having a wonderful mother!

Today I found some comfort when I called the unit my mom was on before going to ICU that Sunday night.  I needed a name so I spoke with the nursing manager.  She asked me if I had a problem when mom was there, so I gladly shared with her that weekend.  She only got a few details and not even the horror situations, and she asked me to call the patient advocacy (which we already have).  She was very apologetic and very sincere.  It felt good to finally vent to someone at the hospital who knew mom.  I felt heard, and I felt understood!

This week we will be contacting the President of the Hospital, as well as our senator and congressman.  I still have some things to add to my document before it will be complete!

MY sweet momma, We are still fighting for YOU!

Do not walk away unheard, do not hide your tears and anger, but make your voice heard, and stand UP for what you believe in!  This is what I believe in!  hugs, nicole

HI Leslie,

I just saw this post from you.  I totally forgot I had started this other thread.  How are you doing these days?  Thank you for grabbing that old post of mine, wow, seems like forever ago, but it wasn't!  I feel that I am doing better.  Getting along okay and work has be busy, a good thing!  I think of mom still all the time, don't think that will ever stop.  I've been thinking of ideas for getting my family for christmas.. something meaningful and something they will treasure about mom.  I am thinking of doing my CB into a book, the company does it for you, and giving them a copy.  I also was thinking of ornaments too.

I think the hardest thing now is just not talking to her, but I do talk a lot to the sky:)

The otherday someone stole my mom's cell phone out of my dad's truck.  We all were devastated because we were going to keep it!  Ive called it and called it, and the records show random phone calls, but we have no IDEA who it would be!  Its so hateful!

We have almost finished my mom's document for the hospital.  My father wrote 11 pages on just the first night.  It is amazing how he uses his words and put his feelings into it.  I can't wait to share it one day, in a weird way!

hugs, nicole

We celebrated moms 1st Christmas in Heaven as best we could.  There are really no words to explain the void we felt without having her at home doing all the things mom always done.  There is a saying that it will get better..it will never get better, but I imagine as years go by it will get easier in a sense.  There was nothing exciting about going home to a house that no longer had our mother standing there.  As much as we are too celebrate that she is in heaven it is truly the most difficult thing to push aside our sadness our tears that she was no longer there.  We began the week with decorating the Christmas tree.  My cousin Danielle and her kids came to help.  We managed to do one strand of lights and about 15 decorations:)  I decided the next day I had to do more, because it was just the most pitiful tree.  We ripped some things out of the closet, all mom's favorites and set them out.  Next we took our annual Christmas shopping trip to Florence with my cousin Mike and family.  We have did this trip for over 15 years.  As we set at the dinner table that night at Cheddar's I looked back on the day, we had always ran with mom through the mall and got those last minute gifts.  There was not much shopping needed without mother, but we managed to have some good laughs. Christmas Eve we opened our gifts as we always have done.  My nieces Macy and McKenna truly made our Christmas better and more joyful.  It was great seeing their giggles and excitement.  Each night Macy, 2 1/2 years old, would go in the living room and kiss Grandma Bev goodnight.  My sister had a large painting of mom done and it was beautiful, so beautiful that we took her Christmas day with us.
Opening gifts was the most difficult.  My father surprised my sister and I with mom's wedding ring.  He decided earlier in the week that he would have them split.  Sis received the diamond and I received the band.  It was bittersweet putting that ring on my finger.  On my drive home yesterday I held it and thought of all the years my mom had held the same ring and thought of her love for our father.  Ironically Jason and I were in the process of finding me a band, because we never had time in July and really I didn't care, because other things were important.  We decided that I will use moms band as mine, so this week I will take it to see if it can be put with my diamond.  ONCE again mom pulled through and I know their is a reason whatever it may be that I have moms band now.  All us kids had a large picture of mom framed for dad.  He had been wanting it done.  When we handed him his picture there was so much love he showed for our mother.  As we listened to his tears we cried with him for we knew that his life was only complete with mom.

On Christmas Day we went with our family on our mom's side to Kent Church.  Once again we were in the Church that moms loved so much, the church she rededicated her life and the church she had laid in her casket.  It was great being with her family and all the love that was there that day.  Beverly Sue was in each person that day.  She was in their smiles, in their tears, and in each of our hearts.  My aunt Geraldine gave me the most beautiful necklace~ a heart locket with my moms picture in it.  My aunt Evelyn gave me something very special~ a picture with a poem from mom's 1st benefit we had for her 3 years ago.  I received so many beautiful gifts this week. Thank you everyone!
The most beautiful gift I had though was on Christmas Eve Jason and I went to mother's grave site. I took some red flowers and attached the poem, "My 1st Christmas in Heaven and the Serenity Prayer".  There for the 1st time I knew this was for real and she really was not coming back... As much as I hate that she is not coming back to us, I accept that she loved JESUS more as she wrote in her final letter.  That one day we will be together again forever and ever!
So this week we tried to keep things as normal as possible.  My brother and his wife cooked a tremendous dinner including baked Hams.  Mom was definitely proud.  Sis filled all of our stockings so no one had an empty stocking this year and she also made our coffee every morning like mom always did.  There were several times that we could hear mom.  For example, every morning was a rush for everyone to get ready and we joked about hearing mom say,"COME ON, GET IT Together.. I am not being late again this year".. Well as always we were late mom:)

So in final ending.. On Christmas night dad was going through his old camera and I was showing him how to print the pictures.  We found a beautiful picture of mom that no one had ever seen.  It was taken the last Christmas before she was diagnosed with AML.  And also yesterday on my drive home I was thinking of mother when I saw a falling star in Alabama... I was certain it was moms love falling down on me!

Thank you for praying for our family!
Happy Holiday's, Nicole

Me at mom's grave on Christmas Eve.

Only the 4 of us, but always the 5 of us.. Standing with a painting of mom.