My name is Jewell Ridley and I am a 25 year survivor of leukemia (ALL). I was diagnosed in October 1984 at Cincinnati Children's Hospital. I was 17 years old and had just begun my senior year of high school. As I browse through some of these stories, I realized how truly blessed I am. By God's grace, I barely remember anything about my treatments and the doctors and nurses basically kept me in the dark about everything. My entire treatment lasted 30 months (October 1984 - February 1987) which included chemo and radiation to my brain. Throughout my treatment, I have never relapsed. I haven't seen an oncologist since 1988 - the last year the Cincinnati Bengals were in the Superbowl! I have had some setbacks during my treatments (shingles, pneumonia) and long-term side effects (total knee replacement, diabetes, hysterectomy) but overall, I have a great life. My son graduated this June from high school and I was there to cheer him on.
This past summer I wrote and published a photp book of poetry which chronicles my 25-year survival and paid tribute to my family and friends. I have also turned some of my poetry into inspirational greeting cards to give to friends and family. I hope to join my local Team and Training group this year and complete the 2010 Flying Pig half-marathon with some of my classmates from 1985. Before this year is done, I plan on turning my poetry into short stories about 'The Life I Was Supposed To Have' which is what my life has become. In the beginning, I had so many regrets and second-guessing about my purpose in this world, not certain that I should have gone through the chemo/radiation treatments in the first place. Now I realize my journey has purpose and reason. I wouldn't be who I am if I had not gone through this illness and survived it. I wrote a poem titled 'God's Hand' which describes my first year of diagnosis and treatment. My boyfriend broke up with me at that time and I felt alone and confused. Time and perspective changes everything and I am grateful to God for giving me both.
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God's Hand
Everything was perfect, I only saw me with you
But a storm was soon coming, the magnitude of which we had no clue
I have known you since I was girl, starting to come into my own
I have known you since you were a boy, now your tall dark and strong
I thought nothing could come between us, we breathed the same air
You had my back like no other, no matter what you were always there
Every day that summer, my body slowly fell apart
Constant pain, constant tension, no explanations, no where to start
I was living in a fog of pills, pain, and prayer
No matter how many times I called, you seem to have no time to share
My weight reverted to double digits, I looked like the walking dead
My best friend came to see me, She left with fear and dread
I only found release with scalding hot water inside a tub
The pain was so incredible, couldn't even stand a hug
But nothing could compare to the pained expression on your face
When someone finally figured out what was going on with my case
The gossip mill at school said I was starving myself over you
They sent me to a therapist to see if it was true
I always knew I was dying right before everyone's eyes
But no one in my life could help me, I was certain of my demise
Because they thought that I was pregnant carrying your seed
They finally did a blood test unsure of what the results would be
Hallelujah, I have leukemia! I can put a name to this pain.
Thank God I have leukemia; Thank God I am NOT insane.
Everyone else was shell-shocked but I was happy as I could be
Although my body had failed me, my mind was still and always with me.
I knew I wasn't crazy, I knew this pain was real.
God gave me a new day, Now my body could start to heal.
I never knew the day you left me, The day you walked out that door.
Would be the last day that I knew you like you were before.
This storm cast a shadow between us, destroying everything we had
Who knew anything could come between us, I thought nothing would get that bad
You left me with a gift that I carry to this day
You taught me how to fight and let nothing stand in my way
You made me a warrior princess- delicate, powerful and strong
You taught me to prepare for any situation that could possibly go wrong
I learned so much from you, you were always my best friend
You were also my big brother, closer to me than any kin
As I continue to come into my own, I have become painfully aware
That in deed you owed me nothing, not even your time to share
This was my fight from the beginning; This fight was always in God's plan
No touch from any man could heal me, Only the touch of God's hand.
© 2009 Jewell Mimms Ridley