I lost my mom 2 weeks ago.. She was my bestfriend.. I can relate to your feelings.  My mom had AML 3 years ago, and had a stem cell transplant a year ago.  I have been keeping busy.  I have found that music is very therapeutic for me.  I like to go to youtube and find songs that remind me of mom, and then I upload them on my facebook to share with friends.  It is so hard.. I never could imagine living life without her and here I am.  We talked atleast  2 to 3 times a day.  I never needed any bestfriends because I had her to share everything with.

Who is your loved one, if you feel like sharing.

hugs, nicole

www.caringbridge.org/visit/welovebev

Oh, no sorry we share the same name:) yes, ironic!  Wow, she was so young.. You know my mom was 54 years old. you would think I could feel that I had 29 great years with her, however, like you I feel robbed.  So much left to do, and so many things yet to come.  I just got married on July 3rd.  It was perfect and she was there.. In a weird way she miraculously felt good that day.  Many people say atleast she was at my wedding, which I am so thankful for, however, the holidays, my children one day, it just all sucks to think about!  I cannot imagine losing the person you had hoped to marry.

I am trying hard to focus on the good times, the times we laughed, and her smile.  I am thinking of writing a book one day.  Unfortunatley what makes my grieving harder is that we feel the medical team messed up and resulted in my mom's early death.. It is an anger that I sometimes feel like screaming and killing someone:)  We are in the process of seeking justice for my mom!  At this point it is the one thing that brings me hope..

I have been on the LLS for a few years now.  I have been very involved on the board and made wonderful friends.  Now my role has changed since my mom died and it stinks too.  I came here everyday to talk about her and told her story in depth.  Now there is nothing left to share and it is so sad!

Anyways hope I am not making you feel worse, it was nice to vent!  Thanks, nicole

Othniel

Just wanted to say how very sorry I am for your loss.  I also lost my 26 year old son in June.  He left behind a young wife who is really struggling, just like you are.  They had their whole lives ahead of them, were just starting to think about having a baby when he was diagnosed.  Ironically, she won't talk to me, because she says I make her cry. It's hard, because I know in my heart the one thing Matt would want most is for me to make sure she is taken care of, but she won't let me help.  I just try to respect her feelings.  We all grieve differently.  I understand that you feel it isn't fair.  I feel that way much of the time.   My son was the most positive, non-judgemental, easiest-going person I've ever known.  He fought his leukemia with everything he had, gave up everything he had, and never once complained or asked "why me?"  If anyone deserves to still be here, he does.  But all you have to do is turn on the news, or spend some time in a cancer hospital, to know that every day people die who don't seem to deserve it.  In the overall scheme of things, as special and important as he was to me, I have had to admit he was no more or less deserving than anyone else.  I truly believe we are not meant to understand in this life why these things happen -- we will only drive ourselves crazy trying to figure it out.  I hope in time you are able to find some peace and comfort.