Well lets see this be the first time i actually tell my full story so srry if its rough. I guess i start from the beginning. well i was 11 and just a boy when i was feeling abnormal chest pains i didnt have a family i was in CPS care at the time and been in sence i was 5. well for a whole year i never said anything about them to scared cuz the whole group home living situation i seen kids come and go get made fun of for different things the most common was being different or having some kind of illness. so i lived for a year wat i thought was well and happy taking tylenol for my chest pain tell a month i hit 13 came. did the chest pain become to great and couldnt breath not even tylenol helped i was visiting my biological family when the last attack i experanced happened made my cousin cry i can never forget his face asking if i was ok crying saying dnt die cuz i couldnt breath. well near my entry to the hospital they had a hard time with the paper work getting me in but they fought it and i was in now just came the waiting game i hated the smell of rubbing achole but for years became used to it i was scared no family but then i got a phone call from my aunt the one who took me to the hospital my grandfather was flying out he stayed with me lost his job cuz of me from wat i heard i hit bottom it was a tough almost year visit in there i was in and out of things like crazy every treatment happened so fast when i was well enough to find out wat happend my grandfather told me i had lukiemia. then the day i hated CPS they banned my grandmother from seeing me when thats all i wanted little did they know we kept in contact through messages hidden under pizza she bought for me from the outside i used to refer to the hospiatal as a prison i became very depressed gave up after my bday came along couldnt even celebrate it thats when my family feel apart seems like they always fought over me even tell this day they do well after all my chemo treatments and such i got out sure enough went back into CPS care my own family didnt want me for the first 3 years after chemo i tried sucide thinking everything would go back to normal if i was gone my family would actually care over the years i excepted it and now im 22 and here i am still regreating things u know no much for aq social person in the community dnt get out much i like my room u could say it keeps me mellow dnt get me wrong i do get out but not much my gf trys to walk this path with me but she sometimes makes a stop saying i wont let u go if it comes back knowing i wont have the energby to go through it again i rather hope i wont have to but theres that part always wondering is today my lotto card is going to be cashed in and my life over i have a lovly step daughter shes 1 u know talking about marrage but i dnt think its worth it sometimes know i could die and leave her alone.

srry if it seems like ur reading a book but my lifes been complicated and its the best way i know how to espress my fight for servival without crying

-chris-

thx for listening crustyclown2008@hotmail.com