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3 Replies Last post: Aug 15, 2009 12:32 PM by Elaine1027

APDMirande

1 posts since
Jul 8, 2009

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Jul 8, 2009 10:44 AM

Caregiver dealing with grief

Hi Everyone,

At the age of 28 I had to become a caregiver to my 59 year old mother. It was a hard road as most of you know in your own situations.I loved her and knew I should do it. She had very rare complications from an experimental treatment she received for Non Hodgkins Lymphoma. No one other then her had issues such has loss of balance, tingling, loss of control of her limbs & nerve pain after this treatment was over, but she did. After the treatment was over about two years ago her symptoms got worse till she came to a point where she could no longer help herself & be independant. I needed to step in as caregiver. It was very hard, stressful, & wearing on me, but I didn't realize this until after she passed away in February. I did not realize as a caregiver how much time in the day she took up. If I was not running to the hospital or rehab center, I was doing something for her, calling her, sitting with her, or helping her with therapy.

I have come to this point now that I'm processing everything that has happened. My mother got diagnosed in 2002 and I helped her until she took her very last breath.....Now what? I don't know what to do with myself now she is gone. I almost feel selfish doing things for myself or going places for myself. Another factor in my grief is that I lost my father as well to cancer when I was 11. I am 29 years old, I was a caregiver, I loved my mother terribly. both my parents are now gone & I don't know what to do now. I've spent most of my 20's taking care of my mother (especially the last year plus) and I'm so overwhelmed by not knowing where to go from here.

Does anyone have an advise? Are you a grieving caregiver & have had this problem of the "now what?". I would love some advise on what I should do now or how I can cope with this loss.

Thank you.

Elaine1027

3 posts since
Jul 15, 2009

Currently Being Moderated

1. Jul 15, 2009 6:39 AM

in response to: APDMirande

Re: Caregiver dealing with grief

Sorry to hear your news about your mom. My mother died in March 2009 from CML/AML. I have been helping with her for many years, but then my dad came down with AML and I have been helping him as well. I haven't had any time to think about grieving yet as dad is in end stages of AML. Being a caregiver has been stressful and almost overwhelming at times. I am a Christian and have been having people pray for me through all this, and I know that helps tremendously. I don't have the strength on my own, and often pray through the day when things come up and I don't know what to do.

I can understand how you would feel about all the free time now. I had to quit my job in Sept 08 when both parents entered hospital. I haven't worked since, as I am at hospital, hospice, nursing home, etc... with them as their advocate. I often feel guilty wishing all this would come to an end, but I am so exhausted. Siblings have started helping lately and that has relieved me a bit. They can see that I am at the end of my rope emotionally. I hurt my back trying to get my dad to specialist for possible stem cell transplant, but he was turned down. He has no platelets left and has to get transfused every day. I finally had to put him in a nursing home, and they have set up transport for him to get to hospital for platelets every day.

I know that life is not fair, and bad things happen to good people. I am not angry about all of this, but sad. I can't imagine going through this at your age. You must be one strong person. I hope that you are now feeling better and have started to make a life of your own. I know that nothing I say will make it better for you, but I will pray for you that God will help you find peace.

God bless you,

Elaine

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BB4492JJ

1 posts since
Aug 13, 2009

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2. Aug 13, 2009 2:32 PM

in response to: APDMirande

Re: Caregiver dealing with grief

Hi,

I am sorry that your mother passed away. Not only is it a hard to be a caregiver for our parents I think it is as difficult if not more dealing with our grief and trying to figure out what to do once they are gone. What you wrote rings so true for me and my family .

I had been a caregive for my father-in-law since 2005 when he was diagnosed whith multiple myeloma. Only after a few short months of being diagnosed it became very clear that he would not be able to care for himself so my husband and I along with our 3 children moved my father in law out of his home and into ours. He passed away a few months ago and now we are trying to deal with his death and our grief. I like you spent most of my time taking care of him , and when I was not physically taking care of him my husband,and I were taking care of his personal business which we still are. This had taken up most of our time. We never had a free moment. What we did not expect was the grief we would experience over the loss of him even though he was 86 I was there all the time even to his last breath. I thought that after he passed away I would be able to concentrate on my children, and our lives would go back to normal. It has not. I like you am very overwhelmed by what I am supposed to be doing and trying to figure out how our family is to cope with all of this.

know that you are not alone

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Elaine1027

3 posts since
Jul 15, 2009

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3. Aug 15, 2009 12:32 PM

in response to: APDMirande

Re: Caregiver dealing with grief

I have recently lost my father to AML, after losing my mom in March 09. He died about 3 weeks ago. I am executor of his will and have been so busy trying to get paperwork all together for the attorney, and writing thank you cards, etc., that it is just now starting to sink in that I am an orphan. At 50 years old, I thought they would be around for a long time, like my grandparents were. Unfortunately, leukemia took them both. There have been some rumblings about a lawsuit from the company that might have given both my parents and many of their neighbors cancer, but I don't even want to think about that. Not yet.

I am so sad, and I am afraid to dwell on my grief for too long, so I try to stay busy. It catches up with me when I sleep. I wake up most nights unable to return to sleep, and unable to shake this blanket of depression. How do you cope with this?

Please comment if you have gone through this and let me know how best to approach the grieving situation. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,

Elaine

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