Things are better.  Getting out of the house for a short while was the best thing I did.  After I checked out of the hotel, I went to breakfast and then ran all my errands, including a trip to Costco.  I was running a little behind but by the time I got back home, Fran was taking a nap and his sister was reading on our patio.  She asked if I got everything done that I needed to, and that with something Fran said made me think that they might not know that I didn't sleep at home.  She seemed to think I just got up early and got my running around done.  Fran kept talking about the "farm", which is where I was scheduled to be on Sunday morning.  It feels a little strange, like I'm getting away with a fib or something, lol.

Because I didn't leave to punish anybody or to show someone a lesson or to imply that the relationship was over, I don't feel bad and Fran isn't showing any signs that he can't trust me because I left him.  Which is great, because I just needed some sleep elsewhere.  A couple of friends, plus Fran's sister, have said "Oh you just needed a break!"  I want to be clear:  I am not overwhelmed with all the doctors and all the medicine and all the information and keeping it all straight, plus continuing to work my job and do all the cleaning, shopping, cooking, etc.  I am still fine with all of those things.  The only thing I needed a break from was being a punching bag.  At one point Saturday night, his sister told me "Fran's on the same page as you, he just told me that the two of you have just spent too much time together."  Um, no.  That wouldn't mean we were on the same page at all.  I have not felt smothered nor in need of breathing room, nor that I don't have enough time to myself.  The only thing that there was too much of was Fran having me in his target sights.  I tried to gently clear that up, but who knows.  It's fine if that's Fran's position and I can help support that, but we wouldn't be remotely on the same page.

His sister got on the road yesterday morning, but the guest I do not like showed up yesterday afternoon.  He was not supposed to stay the night but I had told Fran I'd believe it when I saw it..... he stayed the night.  I put up with it because Fran likes the guy and Fran also he could get his friend to take him to his follow up doctor's appointment today.  Less work for me to round up a driver, so I kept my tongue mostly still.  I did tell Fran I wasn't cooking dinner for the guy and Fran wisely suggested we get Chinese takeout.  I got a nap in Sunday too, which felt wonderful.  I love naps.

Fran and I got to talk a little in private yesterday and he apologized for seeming to get after me for how untidy some of our place was.  Either his sister got him to see that or he saw it on his own after I threw one sentence out there.  I spent a lot of time sweeping our patios Saturday and Fran said something about not wanting me to spend all day cleaning.  I had said that it sure didn't feel like that after the way he kept at me on Friday, which may have been what opened his eyes.  He has apologized a few times for what he said to his sister about the house not being clean and that's good enough for me.  He didn't apologize for the rest but I don't need it, it was nice for him to just reach out at all.

This week we'll just try and get into some kind of routine now that we're back at home.

Yeah, you're right.  I've tried to make sure that I make allowances for myself to grieve.  Lately I've been busy with go-go-go-go, but I've been overly introspective and that's given me opportunity to think plenty about myself, how this has changed me etc.  I've seen the zillion varied ways that our friends have dealt with this and I've had some disappointments in a few friends, that's added a little to all the duties I've got going on.  I don't feel alone but I did feel quite isolated when he would pick at me.  I talked to a couple of good girlfriends about it, although I want to be selective since Fran and I share many of the same friends.  I don't want to air Fran's dirty laundry, LOL.  And I would have plenty of places to stay if I needed to, I realized that at some point over the weekend, too, that I have a wealth of good friends who would be willing to help.  But because it was almost midnight and I just was looking for a drama-free solution, I went the hotel route.

Now that we finally will have some privacy, i.e., no guests (loved or not), I'm going to talk to him tomorrow (no big stuff tonight, I'm bound and determined we are just going to BE tonight).  I just want to let him know that it's ok if he isn't Pollyanna 24/7 and he has a right to be angry and scared and sad and anxious and jealous, all of it.  And if he doesn't want to show that to his family, that's ok too, I'm safe.  But labeling me as a clay pigeon won't work.

Well, I still haven't had a good talk with Fran yet about it being ok to be angry, it's just been so nice to be drama-free all week.  The topic will keep until a good time, maybe this weekend when I'm not also going to work every day.

I think I've mentioned elsewhere that I work full-time, plus I'm also a pet-sitter part time.  I joke that we went from 4 incomes (Fran had two jobs too) to 1 income in a New York Minute (after Fran's dx).    Well, the woman who owns the pet-sitting company is a pretty neat lady and has been getting status updates about me and Fran through another friend of mine, who also works for the pet-sit company.  The owner of the pet-sit company had a husband who was very ill for a few years and he passed away around the time Fran was dx and I never really got to send her proper sympathies, etc.  She emailed me earlier this week to tell me about a caregivers support group she's been going to for years, and still goes to even though she isn't a caregiver so much anymore (although I would argue with that since we're also pet-sitters!).  She would like me to come and I am just so darned excited!   I have turned down no resources since this all started and I've known I need to get into a support network for caregiving, but it's been a matter of finding the time.  This just fell in my lap and it might work out, but the time they get together might be a little tricky.    I will definitely do everything I can to connect since it's so important.  Some of the friends who I thought might be more helpful in helping me deal with caregiver things have been less than so, but I just try to remain flexible and find the people who I *can* lean on, rather than dwell on the ones who I'm finding aren't very good resources.