our daughter, whom i call “nugget,” was conceived via ivf after a long, painful struggle with infertility. now i’m a full-fledged attachment parenting, extended nursing, child-led weaning*, co-sleeping, green living, suburban dwelling, still infertile, stay-at-home mother of one.

*in may of 2008, i was diagnosed with hodgkin’s lymphoma. we stopped nursing for chemotherapy (abvd). this is clearly not what i had in mind when i chose to practice child-led weaning. i pumped through chemo and we were able to resume nursing after treatment. now i try to remember our nursing hiatus as just a bump in the road. a really, really huge, scary, awful bump that no one should ever have to endure.

sadly, my june 2009 scan shows the cancer is back. we have worked so hard to get to this point and now the rug’s being pulled out from under us once again. cancer sucks.

i had a PET scan monday afternoon. this evening i got the results from my uncle, since he’s the chief of radiology at the hospital i go to now in richmond. the initial report concludes that the disease is back.

ct scan tomorrow.  biopsy friday.  assuming this is the real deal, i’ll do a second-line chemo, (likely ICE) to put me in remission and then do a stem cell transplant

i asked nugget if she remembered having to stop nursing before. i sobbed and tried my best to reassure her that we will try so very hard to make it back to where we are now.

this is beyond horrifying. i can’t believe we have to go through this again. i can’t believe i have to force my baby girl to stop nursing again. the chemo, that’s nothing.

f*@% you, cancer. f*@% you very, very much.

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