Maureen,

Let me just say you are not alone!  Over the last 3 years of my mom issues it has taken me 2 1/2 years to accept that I have no control over family.  I have a brother who lives only 4 hours away, my sister and I live 12 hours away, and we have been to visit more.  I accept he is the baby and does not handle this the way we do.  I have a SIL who never calls my mom, even though my mom has cried and cried about not getting to see her grandbaby grow up.. I accept she was raised differently and her family is more important. I have aunts and uncles who have most likely do not like me because of the way I have used my mom's Caringbridge and spoke about research in the past and other people... They feel I am wrong for talking about anything other than my mom..I have even been reminded by one of all the hell I put my mom thru when I was younger, "Can you believe while I was lost about the possiblity of losing my mom someone would have the nerve to say I have been a bad daughter".. All of this while I have been in the middle of much family heat over the years concerning the dislike for my father some family have had for 36 years of my parents marriage.  I have stood tall and will not let them get the best of me, even though there were days that I would cry over the hurtful things they have said and did. The day my mom went into emergency surgery not one family member called my sister and I.. Of course we got on the next plane and was there by 1 am.  On our way there we called everyones cell phone to see if our mom was okay and NO one answered, No one called us....I will tell you this is not about me, but there own personal issues, just as the same for you!  It is hard very hard, but do your best to not let them get the best of you!  Hugs, nicole

Sounds like a little reality check is happening.  First a few facts, 75% of people not in the direct patient care in the healthcare field are afraid of sick people.  100% are afraid of the big "C" for various reasons.

Now, take two steps back and look at the family.  They really are the same now as they were before the illness.  What has changed is your needs and the desire for them to be more passionate.  This makes you human.  Prior to the illness you were able to either ignore them or tolerate their short comings.  What is actually happening, is that our tolerance for rude people and their fears are now more apparent. When we are physically tired, we are also senstive to those feelings.

Everyone of us have these same kind of people in our lives, some we knew about and some who have become a surprise to us. This includes family and friends.  Friends you thought would always be by your side have suddenly disappeared.  Family members, who now realize financial support has come to a close, will disappear.  Friends, you may have never thought about helping you are at your side.  God simply put us into a reality check.  Ummmm....No matter what the reasons, it will not make you feel better at this point, except maybe the momentary venting.

Opinions are just what they are!!! They old saying, "They are like a..holes, everybodies got one"  And nothing hurts our feelings more than to have someone, who is not around, does not help, provide us with their helpful thoughts on what they think we should be doing.  This actually happens all the time, your job, child rearing, how clean should your house be, what you should wear for your age..... and the list goes on.  We tend to get in a tunnel with the walls closing in.  So, what's the next step. Vent and get out of the tunnel

Frist, the old buddy of your hubby needs to be educated and not barred.  He maybe one of your hubby's lasting friends.  Otherwise with out knowing this you could be isolating your hubby.  This is not what you want.  Our fears can result in negative behavior will had no intentions of producing. 

At this moment, I am gathering the DH and taking him fishing.  Something we both enjoy.  Something we can do with or without friends.  Relax from my stressful job.  Forget about the housework and laundry.  Paid the bills last week, worry about the half empty cabinets later.  It will all be here when I return in two or three days.  Nothing will change, but I will be a little happier (LOL).  I'll come back to DH having chemo the next day, 4-12hour night shifts to work.  The clinic will want more money.  More laundry added to the two piles I left in the floor, two inches of dust on the furniture (that will probably be there until Thanksgiving, cause all will come visit for free food) and the list goes on.  I'll just smile because humor is my best friend.  I'll be thankful that we had these quiet peaceful days together that noone else can touch.

My best advise, throw yourself a party.  Sneak off with you and hubby for fun.  Let hubby have a party with a couple of friends and leave the house.  Let them pickup the snacks, you provide the few healthy things you know they won't eat.  By the way, all my christmas shopping is done, because I hit the sales and find the good bargains.  This small item is for me.  Be impulsive, don't do a lot of planning, or it will all fall apart.  Step back, take a couple of hours, have a margarita, glass of wine or a bloody Mary cause you want too.  Your answer to everyone's questions or concerns during time peiod should be:  "imagine that", "oh really"and "this happens to be my moment, I'll get back to later, when I am thinking."  One of my favorite signs in my house reads "you know you're getting old when happy hour is a nap"

Ok, happy venting is fun and can be very humorous:

1) I have spend all day Sunday cooking food for the next three days.  Done all the grocery shopping for at least a month.  The first question out of DH mouth is "What do we have in the house to eat?" UMMM

2) I have worked 12 hours (night) The phone rings, the caller says "were you sleep", no just waiting for you to call.  Oh yes, DH was sitting next to the phone but knew it was not for him.

  Have others including the communication gap (smile)  got to go to a banquet just before leaving to drive 225 miles to fish for trout.

Have a good day, put on the smiles, and think of those stupid and funny things that happen everyday, that you can only ask God "why me"

Margaret I've learned to ignore Todd's family.ESPECIALLY his sister.She had the nerve to go out and plan a wedding right smack in the middle of his diagnosis.She even went as far as to plan a wedding and ask him to give her away,while he had just undergone his first consolidation round.His Brother called and asked him to take him to get his licenses while he was sick.....so I know a little something about bone-headed people and his family take's the cake.I cope with them by not coping with them.I also told Todd unless they are saying something about helping him out,I don't want to hear anything about them.....to me they are very callous people and I have no room for them in my life.I'm civil because thay are his family,but I really have choosen not to socialize talk or associate myself with them

my sister was doiagnosed witgh ALL last year and I could not even imagine being there every chance I had. I have spend the last year and a half doing anything and everything I could. You must be so frustrated.