Clearspace Server Syndication Feed

Some Hope

cms9978 — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 12:08:08 GMT

Well I was able to get my docs to agree to get my brothers and sisters tested to see who would be my match. Thanks to Dr. Bill, I still have a lot of issues but at least he can help with some. Now just to get my brothers and sisters to do this. I can't believe that I have to wait until Jan for some kind of pain help. After e-mailing Jessica she kind of got my hopes up. That the BMT would help and the sooner we can do it the better everyone would be. Especially my kids. I hate to see them see me suffer. I want them to have a normal life. I want them to have fun not worry about mom and I want to have fun with them. I wonder what the Lord has planned for me. Does he have anything planned for me or I am just forgotten? No I know that God remembers me but it is hard to feel that somedays. How am I suppose to keep my faith up in this time of preparation of Christs birthday? Now that I wrestle with my own mortality its hard to go through this season again. This season of giving and celebrating, but what is there to celebrate. Pain, anger, hurt, denial....I don't see any joy or find the good will to men. I better bring myself back to reality, it is going to a long hard journey no matter what happens. What is there left to believe in?

Thanksgiving

cms9978 — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 12:08:20 GMT

I know that I am to be thankful. But today it is hard. Saw GI yesterday for the pain in my stomach and she told me the same thing that everyone else has that there is nothing they can do for it. She said that maybe I should see a deititician and the pain management clinic. Like I want to go to another specialist. She also said that I should eat my meal small and slow. I do I don't eat how is that. I know its not good and will end up with an IV if I am not careful but it just hurts too much to eat or drink. So what should I be thankful for....my life? Right now I can't call it a life. I spend more time in bed then I do living my life. What am I suppose to do? I am not a mother to my kids and they should not have to deal with this too. I am not a wife to my husband so why should he have to suffer. I can't be a daughter, a sister, an aunt. What good is it to sit here and take up space. I know that I will put on a somewhat happy face today and make nice with my family but all I really want to do is stay and bed and think about the end game. At least in pergitory there would be no pain.

Feeling uneasy

cms9978 — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 12:29:20 GMT

I have to say that today I am feeling uneasy about myself. I know that it would be good to go in and get some real help. But I am scared too. Everything seems to be snowballing. Yes we need the help but there are others that need it more. How can I justifiy that fact that we have a roof over our head but can't get the kids christmas presents. Now I know that I am going to have get help. Co-workers have it out for me. I knew that this was going to happen. When we changed supervisors, I knew I was going to get shafted. And I ever bend over and take it or find a new job. I hate this, I love the work I do just not the people I work with. HELP!

Upset

cms9978 — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 11:02:15 GMT

I don't like to complain. But thats all I feel like I do. I hate being sick after I eat. I try not to eat but know I need too. I have four kids that need me or at least I need them. But they don't deserve this. Why is it that if it is a cancer or a tumor the doc will remove and treat with chemo and/or radiation? But sense this is not all we get is a wait and see. Why do we have to get worse before we can get better? Fix me, Cure me! HELP ME!

Tired

cms9978 — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 11:14:46 GMT

I am so tired of dealing with this stupid disease. That no one knows anything about. There is nothing that they can do for pain and all of the test come back fine. But you know that you are not fine and that it hurts. Come on Doc wake up and do something. How am I suppose to live my life with this hanging over my head? I have a family that I need to care for and a husband to love. But I am too tired to do it. I am sick of being sick, I am tired of being tired. When do you say enough is enough, fix me. They now have a possible vaccine for HIV and cocanine addicts, what about us. We have to suffer too, but there is nothing they can do. We just sit and wait and wait and wait. We deal with the pain, we deal with the tiredness, we deal with the endless sticks. For what to wait more. to wait..................................................................................................................................

Birthday

cms9978 — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 06:41:42 GMT

What a year it has been. Last year at this time I was overweight but other than that I was healthy. Now I am dealing with a lifetime illness that if I don't keep in check will take my life. This is the first year that I was kind of excited to see my birthday. Before it was just another day that came and went with little cause for celebration. I have realized that I have to live my life for me not for my parents, my kids, my husband, but just for me. I need to find things that make me happy and healthy. I need to find myself. Who I am and where I want to be. Good thing I am my whole life in front of me!)

End of Summer

cms9978 — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 11:37:34 GMT

Well at last the summer is coming to an end. My daughter just finished up her showing season with a bang. She show at the Iowa State Mule and Donkey Show in Bloomfield, IA. It was 2 days of showing and they were long. She had to compete against kids that were a lot older then her in two of her classes, Showmanship and Mulemanship. But she stood her ground getting third in her showmanship class and sixth in the mulemanship class. Not bad. Then she did very well in the rest of her classes. Standing in first or second most of the classes. But she did so well that she ended up getting high point 10 and under award. She got herself some new chinks. She is so excited. But the weekend ended on a sad note. The mule she was working with for the last two shows was sold on Sunday. Her and her cousins all cried, her aunt and I tried to keep an upper lip about it but we were sad too. But that is the way of the business. So now she has to start working with a new mule and will see what next year brings! I will post pictures when I get them!)